That master automotive humorist and talented journalist, Peter Egan, penned some ‘Tech Tips’ for an issue of Road and Track several issues back. We enjoyed them so much, we are reprinting, with the gracious permission of R&T, an excerpt from Peter’s article. (If you don’t already subscribe to Road & Track, you should! Peter’s columns appear quite often, and the other chaps aren’t bad writers either! Ed)
Tip l.
If, while assembling a transmission late at night, you suspect a detent ball has fallen out of the shifting mechanism and rolled into the garage drain, but are too lazy to hunt for it with a flashlight and magnet, you will later find yourself trying to convince a prospective buyer that all 1959 TR-3s jump out of 2nd gear with enough force to fling the shift knob into the back seat.
Tip 2.
If you step on a brake pedal after the front brake rotors have been removed, the brake caliper pistons will shoot out onto the garage floor in a shower of brake fluid. If you pick up the pistons and then touch the car door, you will have to repaint the car door.
Tip 3.
If you sell a restored sports car to a sorority person named Cindy, her mom and dad will call to inform you that the convertible top leaked during a heavy rainstorm and ruined Cindy’s beautiful white cashmere sweater.
Tip 4.
If you put the front end of a car up on jackstands with the engine in gear and then short the exposed lead of a Lucas starter to the engine block with a 7/16 Whitworth wrench, the car will leap forward off its jackstands and flatten your trouble light, making it suitable for framing.
Tip 5.
If you crawl under a car and poke your forehead on a sharp object, you will instinctively jerk away from the sharp object, slamming the back of your head on the garage floor. The pain will cause you to jerk instinctively away from the garage floor and slam your forehead back into the sharp object on the underside of the car. And so on. This destructive cycle will continue indefinitely, until you either pass out or have the presence of mind to crawl out from under the car.
Tip 6.
If you sell a restored sports car to a sorority person named Cindy and she leaves the lights on, her mom and dad will call up and demand a brand-new Sears DieHard battery.
Tip 7
If you need any of the following items, you can always find them by ripping the carpeting out of a hopelessly shot old British sports car: a short crayon, some paper clips, a pink comb, a ball point pen full of rusty water, all six bolts that are supposed to be holding your motor mounts in place, a green penny with a dog hair stuck to it, some broken tonneau snaps, an empty Buss fuse tin and the remains of an unpaid parking ticket
Tip 8
If you store enough engine parts on a very old piece of plywood in the rafters of your garage, they will eventually fall through and land on your motorcycle.
Tip 9.
If you don’t pay your phone bill, the phone company will disconnect your phone and Cindy’s lawyers won’t be able to call you up any more.
'Tech Tip – Lessons from the Shade Tree' have 13 comments
April 28, 2015 @ 6:02 am George Curl
I think I sold Cindy two restored MGs.
April 28, 2015 @ 6:23 am John Huber
The fact that Peter is now only writing occasionally for R&T has diminished the value of the publication, in my opinion.
That opinion is somewhat influenced by the fact that I, too, grew up in Wisconsin about the same time as Peter, play guitar and love LBC’s .
His was/is the first column in R&T that I read each month.
April 28, 2015 @ 7:15 am Michael Carnell
This is my all-time favorite from Peter Egan, and that is saying something because I love his writing. This story though is so full of “been there, done that” that it is impossible for me to read without my eyes tearing up from laughter. My wife just shakes her head in knowing acknowledgment. And oh, number 5. I have had the bruises to show for that one.
Thanks for bringing this story back; I had been looking for it!
April 28, 2015 @ 7:33 am Glenn Reynolds
Peter Egan for President !!!
April 28, 2015 @ 8:54 am Dave Howe
Peter Egan for President!
April 28, 2015 @ 9:13 am Michael G. Carter
One more tip for Peter’s list: If you drive a bug eye Sprite and you suspect that your your battery is dead, don’t park it at the top of a hill thinking that the downhill push will help you start your car. You push the little thing with the driver side door open, thinking you will be able jump into the car at the opportune time as it roll’s down the hill. Good in theory, bad in execution. The sprite will pick up speed at an alarming rate, you will jump into the car so it won’t get away from you and crash into everything at the bottom of the hill. You successfully get in the car but in the process, the door latch will grab the back of your new dress pants, and rip them almost off your body.
April 28, 2015 @ 10:50 am John Adams
Hilarious!….man I miss Peter Egan.
April 28, 2015 @ 2:58 pm Mickey Hartnett
I really miss Peter’s writings, always seemed that he was peeking over my shoulder.
PS: I worked on Cindy’s cars while going to school with tool box mounted on my bicycle.
April 28, 2015 @ 5:26 pm George
My MG was previously owned by Cindy, judging by the things I found while pulling up the carpet.
April 29, 2015 @ 11:20 am Clint Gee
Re Tip# 4. It’s better to go on and replace a faulty solenoid than to be cheap and short the starter to get going. After losing a sale several years ago I angrily went out to my 72 MGB, turned the key, flipped the hood up, jammed the screwdriver between the starter posts and realized I had not put the car in neutral as the car started and backed over my foot. No bones were broken and I was able to hop out into the street quickly enough to catch the car and drive off before too many people saw me.
Always enjoyed Peter Egan’s articles in R & T.
April 29, 2015 @ 4:40 pm Ken
Likewise. His books are some of the most enjoyable presents that I ever received. From Virginia, I learned to love Wisconsin by reading Peter’s columns.
If you lean your Stratocaster up where it might fall onto a freshly painted hood, it WILL. If you place your Favorite Beverage (especially the last one in your house) on top of an amplifier where it could possibly fall onto a freshly painted hood (you know the rest). If the float(s) in your SU carbs don’t stick and dump gasoline all over the place, then the floats in your Amal carbs will (but they will dump less fuel because the BSA only holds a couple of gallons). When you then use your lighter on heat-shrink tubing, you won’t worry about the dents in your freshly painted hood any longer.
Peace!
Peace!
April 29, 2015 @ 7:47 pm robert guarcello
I must say that these “tech tips” are simply fabulous! They bring a quick smile to my face as I read each one. They all seen faintly reminiscent of my own experiences with
my British car obsession. Thanks so much for the laughs.
April 30, 2015 @ 11:38 am Brad Purvis
I married Cindy.