The Classifieds: A Short Story

From Moss Motoring 1985

BY REID TRUMMEL

I read the ads. The Austin Healey ads, that is. Any newspaper, any city, any time, the first thing I go for is the ads. Actually, I read the ads for Jaguars, Triumphs, and sometimes the MGs and Alfas, too, but the ones that really interest me are the Healey ads. Please understand that I’m not planning on buying a Healey, I already have two, but I do like to look.

In fact, it was classified ads that led me to the purchase of both of my presently owned Healeys. About three years ago (when I was serious about buying a Healey) I would buy the Sunday papers as soon as they hit the newsstand on Saturday afternoon. ‘The early shopper catcheth the bargain.’ Anyway, I was looking for a 1967 BJ8, and one weekend in July a few years ago, the Los Angeles Times listed four of them. That was too much to resist I drove 350 miles to Los Angeles, and before the day was over I owned one of them The last one I looked at, as a matter of fact. A very original car at a fair price. Overall, a satisfying deal.

Unfortunately, this didn’t quite completely satisfy my ‘Austin Healey lust’. You see I’d owned six-cylinder Healeys before- a’61 BN7, a ’64 BJ8, and one fourth interest in a ’58 BN6 – but I’ve always had a strong desire to own a Healey Hundred, too. There’s just something about the look of those cars when the windshield is folded down… Less than a month later, opportunity knocked again when a ’56 BN2 (the year and model I wanted) was advertised in the Sunday San Francisco Chronicle Examiner. I had to miss the Monterey Historic Automobile Races to go up to San Jose to look at it, but it was worth it I guess that every other Healey fan in the area was at the races that day because I was the first to look at it, and also the last; I bought it

Anyway, like I said, I still read the ads. Heck I even subscribe to Hemmings Motor News, and it’s nothing but ads. I like to try to imagine just what the advertised cars look like and I think you can tell a lot about the seller by what his or her ad says. For example a recent Los Angeles Times advertised a ‘AH ’60 Bugeye Sprite mint cond, $6000, (213)999-9999pp.’ I’ve changed the phone number to protect the identity of the optimistic seller, and for those not familiar with the Times, the ‘pp’ at the end of the ad means that the car is offered by a private party. Now I like Bugeyes as much as the next guy, but for six grand I must assume that this car comes complete with at least two cases of Chateau Lafite Rothschild that are older than the car, a mink-lined convertible top, and a lifetime subscription to ‘Expensive Investments’ magazine. At least that’s the way I picture it. If you absolutely must have a Sprite with those features, try a cash offer of $4500. It’s safe to assume that you will be the only bidder in this range.

Another type of ad I always enjoy is the kind that lists what I call a ‘K-Mart price.’ You know the ones. These are the people that think they’re fooling you when they ask a price just a few dollars short of the next higher grand like $4999, $5995, $6950 etc I can just imagine the conversation in some homes on the morning that such an ad appears. ‘Gee honey, here’s a Healey for just over $4000, let’s go take a look!’ Well, $4999 is over $4000, but don’t kid yourself. The difference between $4999 and $5000 won’t pay for your next trip to the McDonald’s drive through. Try an offer of $4001 and see what they say.

Then there’s the ‘They-Don’t-Know-What-They’ve Got-Department’. These ads are the most amusing of all. You’ve seen these before, too. These are the people who spell ‘Healey without the second ‘e’, or list the model as ‘106’ when they mean ‘100-6’, or say ‘1967 Austin Healey Convertible’, as opposed to the sedan and station wagon models, I suppose. However, my all-time favorite from this category is from several years ago when the Datsun 240Z was gaining popularity. Somebody ran an ad in the Portland Oregonian for a ‘1961 Austin Healey 3000Z’. All I can figure is that the owner looked at the grill flash and thought that the lightning bolt that runs through the numerals looked like a letter ‘Z, hence, 3000Z. Try an offer of Z2500, I mean $2500.

Then there are the people who run their ads under ‘Classics and Custom Cars’, instead of the regular ‘Sports and Imports’, classification. I’m always a little suspicious of these ads, and there’s something slightly undignified about seeing a Healey ad sandwiched between an AMC Hornet and a Bricklin – both’ classic’ cars to be sure I mean, I think Healeys are classics myself, but I tend to take this as an indication that the seller thinks a little too highly of the car, and won’t budge off the asking price. And if you find a Healey in this section with no price listed look out. You have found a very pricey Healey, indeed

Finally, there’s the special, abbreviated language of classified ads. To get the full enjoyment from reading the classifieds you must become conversant in ‘ad-speak’. To make things even more complicated many of the commonly used phrases and terms have meanings not obvious to the uninitiated. For example ‘original’ means that the car needs paint. It may also mean that the oil has never been changed. Then there’s ‘must see’. This means that the car has been washed recently. That term is often used with ‘interior like new” which means that it’s been vacuumed out, too. Another favorite of mine is ‘loaded’. That’s what you have to be to buy this car. And there’s always ‘must sell’. This can mean one of two things. It may mean that the owner wants you to think that you’ve got him in a tough spot so you will go away feeling like you took him to the cleaners, when actually he gets the price he wanted. Or ‘must sell’ may mean that the owner is so sick and tired of the lemon that if he doesn’t sell it, he’s going to push it over a cliff. And don’t forget ‘f.o.b’. That means ‘fresh-off-the boat’, and that’s what you’ve got to be to agree to the asking price. Finally, my favorite is ‘needs a little mechanical work’. That means ‘bring a trailer’.

But despite all that or maybe because of it I enjoy reading the Healey ads. Like I said I’m not really in the market for one but if, just maybe if, I could find a decent Bugeye for around twelve or thirteen hundred then I might… Nah, if I bought it I couldn’t enjoy reading about it on Sunday mornings, and in my imagination all the Healeys are original, low-miles and real clean. Just like they say in the ads.