The Rival

From Moss Motoring 1983

It has been many years now, but oh, the shock, the shame of it! My husband Joe, confessed that he had feelings for another woman! They say that the wife is the last to know, but in the beginning I was so completely ignored that suspicion soon dawned, and then he admitted all. He was drawn to a younger, more shapely body.

I was determined to reach the truth; who was this rival? All that I learned was that her initials were M.G. Melissa Gunk? Mona Goop? Nobody seemed to know for sure, as she was always known as M.G. Driven by a guilt complex, I suppose, the erring spouse said we could make a threesome. Well, what was I to do? I would try to fight by making sure that they were never alone. You’ve met her kind: Well turned out, and always so neat and trim, whereas a few minutes in her company left me feeling like a wind blown wreck. Then he started buying her things. I didn’t mind the little things too much, but about two years ago she had to have a new coat. Not just any coat mind you, but a very special color. Four hundred and some dollars to cover that shapely body! If that had been the end of it, it wouldn’t be so bad, but she’s already mumbling about another one!

Sometimes the three of us go to parties. Embarrassing for me, you might think, but actually “she” prefers to stay outside. Well, I would too if I had her charms, for she knows that during the evening most of the men will stroll to her side. All of our friends know of course, and greet me with sympathy. “Up to her tricks again, is she?” they say, eyeing my once beautifully coiffed hair, which by now looks as if I’ve been tearing it out. “Yes, she’s going topless again,” I reply. Joe, being a very democratic type, always asks the women if they would like to get better acquainted with M.G., but one more, furtive glance in my direction and they usually decline.

A few years have gone by and I have adjusted to having a rival female present. However, the other day my husband whispered that he was having cravings for another shapely body; he wasn’t sure of her name but he knew that her initials were T.C.

O.K.!, I’ve had it! That was the last straw! Two can play at that game, so I started to look around and I found the most handsome, well groomed fellow that I have ever seen. I don’t know his name yet but I do know that he goes by E.T.

Yes, you’ve guessed it… …An E-Type Jaguar!

-Patricia Smith

Semmes, Ala.